I’ve always had a problem in accepting that there are people whom I Love will Never approve my Love at all. I’m at my lowest when I’m in that zone.
These things confirm my belief that I’m not up to the mark, I don’t even know what that mark is. This self deprecating energy has caused a lot of lose in energy, money, time.
When all hell breaks lose, when I thought this is final blow in my cemetery, when I felt I had nothing to lose came liberation. The idea of abundance and self love.
Now I really feel that I’ve wasted many years in indulgence with sulking. The only shining spectacle is though is my love for my art form and the people around me. It may sound ironic but Love saved me from what I thought is Love.
The Love which the Abundance showed me, the abundant love that my people had for me. When I was abundantly rich and leading a pleasure life, I refused to recognise those things and was chasing something else. This realisation is the biggest take away.
I’m not sure how the life is going to be hereafter, it may be worse, it may be challenging, it may be lonely and boring but I’ve got the confidence that I’ll survive, cherish all those and come out breathing because I’ve seen the Joy of loving myself and living by being myself. There’s no external factors which made me happy, but I choose to be happy and I live happily and make my own World in that process.
This life fuelled with compassion and love is all I got and I better live that Life to the fullest with atmost respect and recognition that it deserves.
We’re grown up with a conditioning and hope that everything in life happens for a reason and at the end of all everything will be fine. This statement is so true, but it comes with conditions apply.
Our mind is fool proofed to not deviate to our liking rather than acceptance. We want things to happen as we like. The marks, the job, Love, life. We want these to happen as we expect and how we dreamt of.
We become so self absorbed about our wants and likes, translating us into a bubble that only good is to happen and it should be within our constrained world of happiness and living.
But as most people would have realised through our life, it’s just not the case. There’s a varying degrees of resultant action to the above happenings. Some move on, Some go with the flow, Some cling onto it, Some lose hope, Some go on a self-destructive cycle, Some accept the truth, Some hope it’s not yet over and their dream ending is for now postponed.
All these mindsets continue for years and the ones who accept the truth and reality make it out of that depressed bubble and start afresh. There’s always new beginnings, reopening of old stories, further heart breaks which makes the previous one better, which we need to foresee in our life and live through it. Everything is a phase, Happiness or grief. We would need to swim, live throughout without losing our own soul and inner peace.
And definitely if we have this attitude it’s gonna be all well, probably not that you hoped, but something different and unexpected, most times beautiful than we first hoped. Cheers!
Not long ago, I had thought there’s something wrong with me and I need to change myself for good. The way I behave, the way I communicate, the way I decide and choose things and so on. This made me to yearn for things. There’s a prolonged vacuum created in this process of yearning. And to fill that empty space, I expected someone to come and fill it with their presence. Even when someone arrived and eventually left, it created more empty space that needs to be filled and it became void. So it became a constant circle of trying to fill that void and changing myself, expecting, yearning, and this negative force threw me into the rock bottom, hitting deep into depression.
Only after disaster can we be resurrected. It’s only after you lost everything, you’re free to do anything.
True to this lyrics, I tried to look upwards as there’s nothing below me. I started to rethink about my positives and for time sake neglected what I thought are my negatives. Gratitude that came into me from the people around who were still there for me and by my side on my dark days. I re-grouped my thinking based on this gratitude and the gradual process of healing started. And this healing process awakened me a lot of thoughts and truth, which hit me hard. And the most surprising thing that hit me was, why I didn’t think of this obvious thoughts earlier.
And that Obvious thought which was screaming all along which I never listened was, I was Alright and Fine all along. There’s nothing wrong with me and the ones which I thought were my negative are what makes me truly unique and Inimitable. The flairs, scars, the silence, this imperfection. Trying to be perfect, trying to fit in some other expectations, to be a “Man” in this world, I’ve indulged for long and this has resulted in bringing out a flat and devilish personality from within which was even a stranger to me.
I decide to resurrect myself from these ideas, this age old restrictions, this cultural learning I’ve imbibed all these years. To Unlearn. I made a decision to liberate myself from these imaginary clutches that was strangling me unconsciously all these years.
Let’s question everything and anything which has been passed through. Like a two sided coin, it has good things and also regressive ideas. Choosing Love and Compassion helps and you are in the process of attaining true freedom from one’s Own Self. Every idea is reasoned and processed on the basis of kindness and you’re in good hands of yourself. The most striking discovery of one’s Own Self is that acknowledging that You’re Enough. You’re ought to be Unique, You’re ought to diligent and You’re ought to be Passive if that’s what defines You.
There’s nothing wrong in being a Passive person. The world needs such kind of compassionate, kind and passive persons. It may not seem cool in this part of this world, but we have every right in this world to be passive. In this competitive world, the whole population tries to be actively aggressive and in turn most of them get lost, who fakes to be actively aggressive. Truth and Authenticity is the soul of success. When you’re authentic to your own self, be it passive or active, then you’ll define your own success.
As an avid cricket fan, I would like to cite an example, that there may be Sachin Tendulkar, Sourav Ganguly and Virender Sehwag who were all actively aggressive, but the true back bone was Rahul Dravid, the passive person who would hold the innings at the other end. There’s a misconception that he’s not an aggressive player, but the fact is he was the most aggressive of all. To survive in this kind of competitive and misinformed world and being true to his nature and excelling in that field. He aggressively holds his wicket, his passion about his game and above all he played true to his authentic character and never carried away by the flair shown on the other end. This aggressive persistence to his authenticity makes him one of the finest gentleman and an example to the youngsters who’re seeking their lost soul for toxic flair.
Accepting oneself as is, truthfully is probably the greatest step towards healing and then success. When you accept and understand your own self, then you’ll automatically look forward to improve yourself that’s more aligned to your authenticity. You would seek no other way, no other short cuts, no other acts. You be you and then You become the greatest version of You. That’s all we got to do to attain Success. This further pushes you into greatness instinctively and the other so called Success follows you when you reach this enlightenment.
You’re Enough. You’re Unique. Only You can be You and only You can live your life Your Own Way. This way of living is an Art that can be Created only by You!
With all the exploring, Self Love, Liberation that I’ve experienced in the recent months, which was in turn co incided with an awake of a heart break, Kind of realised a strange thing.
All my life I’ve felt myself of as hopelessly romantic, dire heart lover and all these. But now I don’t feel romantic after all. This Abundance has expanded the range abundantly where I’ve attained a stage where I truly can’t converge my love or attention for a single person. You empathise, be compassionate, shower affection and care to other person. This unconditional love is what I’m capable of. I just couldn’t handle the pressure of being a person with someone’s expectations, it feels caged and wings cut off.
This liberation, even if I’m aware of the repercussions is truly a realisation. The great news is that I’ve never known what I’m missing. To being loved. I’m not used to being loved. And I wouldn’t know what to do or never know. I’ve showered all my love and now the Abundance righteously returns it to me in multiple folds in which I’m drenched.
A wanderlust into the abundance resulted in an evolution of mind and heart, a sense of liberation from all the mental obstacles & emotional dependencies. A greater responsibility of taking care of myself and being in love with the way my heart traverses through with Love, passion and compassion. This backpack trip was an amazingly profound experience and here I’m sharing that happiness.
A normal day at office, a realization that we may have a long weekend and immediately grabbed at the opportunity to wander around. Started as an unplanned trip, like the idea of this trip came just a week before the day I actually started. But ended up being well planned, thanks to the people around, was able to come up with an itinerary. All was in booked in advance like Travel, stay & rental bike.
The Day arrived, well packed, caught the train on time, in a sultry & sunny evening from Chennai to Mangalore. When I started planning the trip, the destination was Gokarna and then evolved into an itinerary covering Mangalore for a couple of days and Gokarna for a couple of days. Soon after crossing the outskirts of Chennai, the clouds around converged to shower rains. The sweaty heat in Chennai, Window seat travel in Train, and now the rainfall. So far So good.
The next day, the day 1 of my wandering, I woke up when the train reached Kannur, Kerala. The journey for the next three hours was pleasant, with greenness, water bodies all across the horizon. And I got a sneak peak of the Sea from the train as the railway lines were passing to the sea. Reaching Mangalore, I checked into the homestay which I had booked. It was a secluded place situated right next to the Ullal Beach, Mangalore. The homestay person was warm, though I never met him and had our conversations only through Phone. He made sure all the amenities were in place and it was ready to be occupied when I arrived.
Getting ready, took a walk through the neighborhood, as it was Ramzan, the place was deserted. Reached the highway, caught a bus and went to the city and took the rental bike which I had already booked. Then had my breakfast in a Cafe suggested by a friend, Taj Cafe. Then headed to St. Aloysius Church, which had some ancient Italian paintings throughout the interior walls of Church. I was told by the pastor there, this is only the Second such Church present after the Vatican Church. The paintings each depicting a story from Bible was a treat to watch. The way they’ve maintained the paint not to recede from the growing pollution was scientific and educative. There was a museum near by, which had some precious ancient materials that were used in the British rule.
Then headed to one of many beautiful beaches in this beautiful city of Mangalore. Tannirbhavi Beach is a different kind of beach than the ones I’m used to in the east coast. The shore had pine trees providing a thick shade, and the sunlight peeking through those trees and creating a pattern of shades were a treat to watch. Though the climate was sunny, it felt pleasant to be sitting beneath those trees and having a glimpse of the Arabian Sea. After spending an hour or so, taking pictures, left from there to have my lunch at Gajilee, again suggested by a friend. The food was great there and after having a sumptuous lunch, drove out to Bekal Fort in Kasaragod which is a 50 kms drive from Mangalore.
The drive was brilliant all through the abundance and the nature is still so intact in that part of the world. The only niggle being the bike I drove, not an Yamaha which I always have a leaning preference. Reached to the Bekal Fort, and as it was a holiday there, it was quite crowded. One thing which was there in my mind was this is the place where the ever famous ARR song with exotic picturisation, ‘Uyire’ has been shot. It was splendid surprise for me to witness that huge fort in all its essence in the evening just before the Sunset. There were some sights to behold, one can truly experience those seen through the naked eye. I got down to the Sunset view point and with all the other people was waiting to witness the spectacle. Spent the evening capturing photos of the waves splattering into the rocks, there were requests from folks to click their pictures, which I happily obliged. After a long wait, the Sun was yet to set, but the time crossed 6:45 and we were asked to disburse from the fort as it’s getting late.
The drive back was one of the most stunning drives I’ve had along the coastal region. The change in color patterns every ten minutes, to every turn and witnessing them along riding a bike was an amazing experience which I would cherish for a long time. Once I reached my homestay, the time was already past 8. Caught up with the India vs South Africa world cup match for an hour, and in process dozed off to sleep.
Woke up to overnight rains, the place where I’m staying had dense plantation and the aroma of petrichor made the day for me. Then set out for a morning walk along the beach with my Camera. Was capturing some interesting moments and frames which gave the whole essence of the abundance that I am in. After a couple of hours walk, got ready and started to yet another long drive, this time to the northern part of Mangalore, Kaup Beach. The drive again was a pleasant one with slight drizzling, the nature making sure that I’m not wet and also it’s not sunny either.
Kaup beach is another serene, peaceful place to be in. The light house was the highlight, accompanied with a backwater stream, the vast expanse of the sea shore across both sides of the light house. You just got to be there and sit in silence and witness the abundance that’s there to display. You would forget the idea of time and how it’s passing. Sitting there alone on a rock, on the edge of the sea, above the sea level, with the view shores on both sides behind, a stream sneaking though right next to you. It reminded me of a Rumi’s poetry,
Now let me sit here, on the threshold of two worlds, lost in the eloquence of Silence.
With Life as short as a Half taken Breath, Don’t plant anything but Love!
After a trance experience, left the beach, drove back to the City and had lunch and then to the Mangalore’s favorite and much hyped Ice cream parlour, Pabba’s Ice cream. To my delight and living up the hype, the Ice cream varieties were too good and tasty. With half heart and full stomach, left the place to return back the rental bike. Then caught a bus back to Someshwara Beach. I was told that this is a best beach in Mangalore to witness the Sunset, with less populated, an under explored beach to hangout. And my sources were spot on. Reached the beach around 4, and I was just on my own, lying around a rock, resting, waiting for the Sun to set. The sound of the waves plunging into the rock, the wind blowing across the shore, the trees right next to the shore, me with my camera. I couldn’t ask more.
And what a Beautiful Sunset I was witnessing. It’s a human tendency, that they don’t realize the happiness when they’re actually in it, we would realize it only when it’s over or lost. But at that moment, I was truly happy and I was in the realization of that in the moment itself. To be Present, To be here, To be Now, with the Abundance. It’s happiness.
The Next day, I need to catch a train at 5:30 AM to Gokarna, and with the help of some broken Kannada and a friend’s Whatsapp recording, I caught hold of an Auto driver and asked him to come and pick me up at that time of the hour. Gratefully he was on time and dropped me at the station 10, 15 minutes earlier. The train reached Gokarna around 11 and I reached my cottage. A small hut like place and a warm host, who was welcoming, had great communication, knew around the locales well. He was inquiring about my visit and plans and suggested to just relax and get in the mood of this place, rather than the compulsiveness of checking out all the places to visit. He was right and it was in sync with what I had also in mind. He was also pleasantly surprised that I’m traveling alone without any inhibitions. The next two days in Gokarna, was me chilling at the beach, drenched in the abundance, the views, great food, lot of walking around, hiking, and all that.
The first day completely I was in Kudle Beach. It was a great place to hangout, restaurants right at the beach, with a view to the sea. And do I need to add anything about the Sunset view across the horizon more. It was just splendid. This time around there were people in the beach, across all types. Couples, Families, group of boys, group of girls, a group playing football, and a few playing Frisbee. These gave a new dimension to my photographs. They each represented a story that I could weave in my photographs. I was just walking to and for across the breadths of the shore and capturing those moments. I had a fellow companion as always, a dog who would walk with me and when I sit, he also relaxes with me. Then once the Sun is well down, reached my hut, a 10 mins walk from the Kudle Beach, refreshed and then again came back down to the beach. Was there in the beach till midnight and then left back to cottage.
The next day, the plan was to visit Om beach, and then a hike to Half Moon beach. As per plan went to Om beach, had my breakfast, again with the Sea view. Then spending some time there, started my hike to half moon beach. With no one around, in to the dense forest and rocks, was wandering into it and not sure what’s up there. Following the foot prints, an half and hour hike, I reached the half moon beach, another Serene, Scenic beach with just me, a dog and the Sound of waves, right in between the abundance. The whole afternoon, I was just relaxing there, watching the waves hit the rocks, the trees, Wondering this abundance and falling in Love with it moment by moment, again and again.
This is the last evening in this trip and I am here lying in the shore watching the blue skies and just being in that moment. These are some of the surreal moments of peace which I experienced in this wanderlust trip.
I got back, and then with a heavy heart started back to the Gokarna Bus stand to catch my bus back to Bangalore. After reaching Bangalore in the morning, got the train back to Chennai and reached Chennai around 3 PM back to my home. Bliss!
Reminiscing back, this trip was another great experience of Abundance and how this abundance has helped me to find my own self. All these 5 days along, I was just being me, no care about what others think, what about how I’m perceived, no nothing at all. I felt truly liberated from that clutches, all the mental obstacles and emotional dependencies. This trip uniquely identified that personality within me and brought it back to forefront. All through these 5 days, Only I was in control of Myself. Whatever would have happened was solely my responsibility. There were many mistakes, hardships, wonders, ecstasy, peaceful times, etc,. Whatever the emotions or repercussions resulted from this wanderlust, I am the reason. This is Liberation and at the same time a great responsibility. Self Love and following your heart does give you that Liberation and a sense of responsibility.
Responsibility of owning up myself completely, responsibility of taking care myself all alone and the liberation of being happy with my own self and the Abundance! A way to an Inimitable Life!
Wander.. Seek.. Wonder.. Hope.. Love!
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As a society we either fear or mock which is radically different from our age old conservative thoughts. We have ourselves created a constraint to our thinking process. We have name it as culture and the fact is, it has nothing to do with it.
When we see someone different than the generally accepted behavior, there’s a change in behavior from us also. Take for instance a basic thing as being a quiet person. As humans we love to communicate with each other. And by means we’re stuck into a mirage that is speaking. The one who doesn’t speak that much has been mocked or either praised. They’re not seen as a normal person with a normal behavior. It is considered rude to ask a talkative person, why are you talking so much? Whereas, we don’t have a problem asking a quiet person, why are you so quite?, which is equally rude. Let’s just accept it’s the nature of every own individual. Some talk, some listen.
When you zoom out and sprawl this idea, you would get the whole picture of this differentiators. The behavior of the major people seems accepted and it’s followed as a fact. But it’s not the case. Not long time ago Women have been considered as a second class citizens, which unfortunately even continues.
These binds by the rules of the majority of the population, the men has laid on. There’s a statistics saying there’s an increase in the divorce rates. When you see through, there’s also an increase in Women employment and empowerment. Connecting the dots, this society has came to the conclusion, that the women who empower themselves have become ruthless and uncaring about the values. But is that the real issue?
Women have become more aware of their presence, their importance and now they feel the right about their empowerment. But the men expect them to be the same and treat the same. Which can never be the case. Women are way ahead in this process of evolution but the men are still stuck with ancient thesis. So the real awakening needs to happen within Men. Their procrastination to the truth is the reason for this sudden rise of disparity. Men need to accept that we co-exist and Women have every right to empower themselves and it’s time for Men to take care of their own self and conscience and not to be dependent on Women. They in turn mock the women empowerment and they’re successful in that process till now at many levels.
If the women are handed this fate, let alone the fate of the third gender. The transgenders are the people who didn’t choose to be them, they’re created in such a way. And yet with all these patriarchal thoughts this society has shoved into them, still they chose to be authentic to their own self. That’s the courage we should appreciate, acknowledge and embrace. But instead we retort to the techniques of fear and mockery. We have as a society failed them. We couldn’t embrace our own people and race. The race, I mean is the Human race. We rather create every chance possible to keep us divided and weak.
Together we’re Strong and we need to help this world to make it a better place to live.
There would be days however you feel content with yourself, the freedom you would enjoy, free from all the cage of belongingness, you would feel lonely.
You’ll be pushed into an eternal questions of companionship. You’ll seek the need of acceptance, you’ll adore the idea of sharing with that special person. You dig deeper. You let yourself free fall into it. You accept being a person who craves love. You search for acknowledgement for your grief, your happiness, your achievements, your failures.
We’re human beings and the reality is expecting that acceptance. Otherwise you would feel aimless, hopeless. Even when you’re stubborn with the idea of self love, there would be momentary lapses. Self Love is beautiful feeling but it’s a bit complicated.
Your search for a special love arises, it becomes a needy pleasure which can be satisfied by an external Love. These are all human emotions at the least. As humans we feel, we expect.
But the higher power gives us a positive streak. Most times this slip into normalcy and our loved ones comes to aid. This is where your life from the past helps you. How have you been in your prime time, most importantly how have you been in your adversity.
These adverse moments of weakness is arrived into a caring. This time it’s not directly because of you. It’s because of the hope you had for the unconditional love you’ve imbibed from other persons.
Your Mom, Your Sister, Your Brother, Your Friends. They come for rescue. They casually turn around your mood with their Love. The Love they show which is pure and unconditional. All they need would be that you to feel okay. When you hear them out you feel the affection and care.
At the end of the day, all you need is kind word from your beloved ones, who make sure that all is going to be well and you’re going to be a person who can endure the adversities and come out successful. That’s enough.