I’ve always had a problem in accepting that there are people whom I Love will Never approve my Love at all. I’m at my lowest when I’m in that zone.
These things confirm my belief that I’m not up to the mark, I don’t even know what that mark is. This self deprecating energy has caused a lot of lose in energy, money, time.
When all hell breaks lose, when I thought this is final blow in my cemetery, when I felt I had nothing to lose came liberation. The idea of abundance and self love.
Now I really feel that I’ve wasted many years in indulgence with sulking. The only shining spectacle is though is my love for my art form and the people around me. It may sound ironic but Love saved me from what I thought is Love.
The Love which the Abundance showed me, the abundant love that my people had for me. When I was abundantly rich and leading a pleasure life, I refused to recognise those things and was chasing something else. This realisation is the biggest take away.
I’m not sure how the life is going to be hereafter, it may be worse, it may be challenging, it may be lonely and boring but I’ve got the confidence that I’ll survive, cherish all those and come out breathing because I’ve seen the Joy of loving myself and living by being myself. There’s no external factors which made me happy, but I choose to be happy and I live happily and make my own World in that process.
This life fuelled with compassion and love is all I got and I better live that Life to the fullest with atmost respect and recognition that it deserves.
We’re grown up with a conditioning and hope that everything in life happens for a reason and at the end of all everything will be fine. This statement is so true, but it comes with conditions apply.
Our mind is fool proofed to not deviate to our liking rather than acceptance. We want things to happen as we like. The marks, the job, Love, life. We want these to happen as we expect and how we dreamt of.
We become so self absorbed about our wants and likes, translating us into a bubble that only good is to happen and it should be within our constrained world of happiness and living.
But as most people would have realised through our life, it’s just not the case. There’s a varying degrees of resultant action to the above happenings. Some move on, Some go with the flow, Some cling onto it, Some lose hope, Some go on a self-destructive cycle, Some accept the truth, Some hope it’s not yet over and their dream ending is for now postponed.
All these mindsets continue for years and the ones who accept the truth and reality make it out of that depressed bubble and start afresh. There’s always new beginnings, reopening of old stories, further heart breaks which makes the previous one better, which we need to foresee in our life and live through it. Everything is a phase, Happiness or grief. We would need to swim, live throughout without losing our own soul and inner peace.
And definitely if we have this attitude it’s gonna be all well, probably not that you hoped, but something different and unexpected, most times beautiful than we first hoped. Cheers!
With all the exploring, Self Love, Liberation that I’ve experienced in the recent months, which was in turn co incided with an awake of a heart break, Kind of realised a strange thing.
All my life I’ve felt myself of as hopelessly romantic, dire heart lover and all these. But now I don’t feel romantic after all. This Abundance has expanded the range abundantly where I’ve attained a stage where I truly can’t converge my love or attention for a single person. You empathise, be compassionate, shower affection and care to other person. This unconditional love is what I’m capable of. I just couldn’t handle the pressure of being a person with someone’s expectations, it feels caged and wings cut off.
This liberation, even if I’m aware of the repercussions is truly a realisation. The great news is that I’ve never known what I’m missing. To being loved. I’m not used to being loved. And I wouldn’t know what to do or never know. I’ve showered all my love and now the Abundance righteously returns it to me in multiple folds in which I’m drenched.
A wanderlust into the abundance resulted in an evolution of mind and heart, a sense of liberation from all the mental obstacles & emotional dependencies. A greater responsibility of taking care of myself and being in love with the way my heart traverses through with Love, passion and compassion. This backpack trip was an amazingly profound experience and here I’m sharing that happiness.
A normal day at office, a realization that we may have a long weekend and immediately grabbed at the opportunity to wander around. Started as an unplanned trip, like the idea of this trip came just a week before the day I actually started. But ended up being well planned, thanks to the people around, was able to come up with an itinerary. All was in booked in advance like Travel, stay & rental bike.
The Day arrived, well packed, caught the train on time, in a sultry & sunny evening from Chennai to Mangalore. When I started planning the trip, the destination was Gokarna and then evolved into an itinerary covering Mangalore for a couple of days and Gokarna for a couple of days. Soon after crossing the outskirts of Chennai, the clouds around converged to shower rains. The sweaty heat in Chennai, Window seat travel in Train, and now the rainfall. So far So good.
The next day, the day 1 of my wandering, I woke up when the train reached Kannur, Kerala. The journey for the next three hours was pleasant, with greenness, water bodies all across the horizon. And I got a sneak peak of the Sea from the train as the railway lines were passing to the sea. Reaching Mangalore, I checked into the homestay which I had booked. It was a secluded place situated right next to the Ullal Beach, Mangalore. The homestay person was warm, though I never met him and had our conversations only through Phone. He made sure all the amenities were in place and it was ready to be occupied when I arrived.
Getting ready, took a walk through the neighborhood, as it was Ramzan, the place was deserted. Reached the highway, caught a bus and went to the city and took the rental bike which I had already booked. Then had my breakfast in a Cafe suggested by a friend, Taj Cafe. Then headed to St. Aloysius Church, which had some ancient Italian paintings throughout the interior walls of Church. I was told by the pastor there, this is only the Second such Church present after the Vatican Church. The paintings each depicting a story from Bible was a treat to watch. The way they’ve maintained the paint not to recede from the growing pollution was scientific and educative. There was a museum near by, which had some precious ancient materials that were used in the British rule.
Then headed to one of many beautiful beaches in this beautiful city of Mangalore. Tannirbhavi Beach is a different kind of beach than the ones I’m used to in the east coast. The shore had pine trees providing a thick shade, and the sunlight peeking through those trees and creating a pattern of shades were a treat to watch. Though the climate was sunny, it felt pleasant to be sitting beneath those trees and having a glimpse of the Arabian Sea. After spending an hour or so, taking pictures, left from there to have my lunch at Gajilee, again suggested by a friend. The food was great there and after having a sumptuous lunch, drove out to Bekal Fort in Kasaragod which is a 50 kms drive from Mangalore.
The drive was brilliant all through the abundance and the nature is still so intact in that part of the world. The only niggle being the bike I drove, not an Yamaha which I always have a leaning preference. Reached to the Bekal Fort, and as it was a holiday there, it was quite crowded. One thing which was there in my mind was this is the place where the ever famous ARR song with exotic picturisation, ‘Uyire’ has been shot. It was splendid surprise for me to witness that huge fort in all its essence in the evening just before the Sunset. There were some sights to behold, one can truly experience those seen through the naked eye. I got down to the Sunset view point and with all the other people was waiting to witness the spectacle. Spent the evening capturing photos of the waves splattering into the rocks, there were requests from folks to click their pictures, which I happily obliged. After a long wait, the Sun was yet to set, but the time crossed 6:45 and we were asked to disburse from the fort as it’s getting late.
The drive back was one of the most stunning drives I’ve had along the coastal region. The change in color patterns every ten minutes, to every turn and witnessing them along riding a bike was an amazing experience which I would cherish for a long time. Once I reached my homestay, the time was already past 8. Caught up with the India vs South Africa world cup match for an hour, and in process dozed off to sleep.
Woke up to overnight rains, the place where I’m staying had dense plantation and the aroma of petrichor made the day for me. Then set out for a morning walk along the beach with my Camera. Was capturing some interesting moments and frames which gave the whole essence of the abundance that I am in. After a couple of hours walk, got ready and started to yet another long drive, this time to the northern part of Mangalore, Kaup Beach. The drive again was a pleasant one with slight drizzling, the nature making sure that I’m not wet and also it’s not sunny either.
Kaup beach is another serene, peaceful place to be in. The light house was the highlight, accompanied with a backwater stream, the vast expanse of the sea shore across both sides of the light house. You just got to be there and sit in silence and witness the abundance that’s there to display. You would forget the idea of time and how it’s passing. Sitting there alone on a rock, on the edge of the sea, above the sea level, with the view shores on both sides behind, a stream sneaking though right next to you. It reminded me of a Rumi’s poetry,
Now let me sit here, on the threshold of two worlds, lost in the eloquence of Silence.
With Life as short as a Half taken Breath, Don’t plant anything but Love!
After a trance experience, left the beach, drove back to the City and had lunch and then to the Mangalore’s favorite and much hyped Ice cream parlour, Pabba’s Ice cream. To my delight and living up the hype, the Ice cream varieties were too good and tasty. With half heart and full stomach, left the place to return back the rental bike. Then caught a bus back to Someshwara Beach. I was told that this is a best beach in Mangalore to witness the Sunset, with less populated, an under explored beach to hangout. And my sources were spot on. Reached the beach around 4, and I was just on my own, lying around a rock, resting, waiting for the Sun to set. The sound of the waves plunging into the rock, the wind blowing across the shore, the trees right next to the shore, me with my camera. I couldn’t ask more.
And what a Beautiful Sunset I was witnessing. It’s a human tendency, that they don’t realize the happiness when they’re actually in it, we would realize it only when it’s over or lost. But at that moment, I was truly happy and I was in the realization of that in the moment itself. To be Present, To be here, To be Now, with the Abundance. It’s happiness.
The Next day, I need to catch a train at 5:30 AM to Gokarna, and with the help of some broken Kannada and a friend’s Whatsapp recording, I caught hold of an Auto driver and asked him to come and pick me up at that time of the hour. Gratefully he was on time and dropped me at the station 10, 15 minutes earlier. The train reached Gokarna around 11 and I reached my cottage. A small hut like place and a warm host, who was welcoming, had great communication, knew around the locales well. He was inquiring about my visit and plans and suggested to just relax and get in the mood of this place, rather than the compulsiveness of checking out all the places to visit. He was right and it was in sync with what I had also in mind. He was also pleasantly surprised that I’m traveling alone without any inhibitions. The next two days in Gokarna, was me chilling at the beach, drenched in the abundance, the views, great food, lot of walking around, hiking, and all that.
The first day completely I was in Kudle Beach. It was a great place to hangout, restaurants right at the beach, with a view to the sea. And do I need to add anything about the Sunset view across the horizon more. It was just splendid. This time around there were people in the beach, across all types. Couples, Families, group of boys, group of girls, a group playing football, and a few playing Frisbee. These gave a new dimension to my photographs. They each represented a story that I could weave in my photographs. I was just walking to and for across the breadths of the shore and capturing those moments. I had a fellow companion as always, a dog who would walk with me and when I sit, he also relaxes with me. Then once the Sun is well down, reached my hut, a 10 mins walk from the Kudle Beach, refreshed and then again came back down to the beach. Was there in the beach till midnight and then left back to cottage.
The next day, the plan was to visit Om beach, and then a hike to Half Moon beach. As per plan went to Om beach, had my breakfast, again with the Sea view. Then spending some time there, started my hike to half moon beach. With no one around, in to the dense forest and rocks, was wandering into it and not sure what’s up there. Following the foot prints, an half and hour hike, I reached the half moon beach, another Serene, Scenic beach with just me, a dog and the Sound of waves, right in between the abundance. The whole afternoon, I was just relaxing there, watching the waves hit the rocks, the trees, Wondering this abundance and falling in Love with it moment by moment, again and again.
This is the last evening in this trip and I am here lying in the shore watching the blue skies and just being in that moment. These are some of the surreal moments of peace which I experienced in this wanderlust trip.
I got back, and then with a heavy heart started back to the Gokarna Bus stand to catch my bus back to Bangalore. After reaching Bangalore in the morning, got the train back to Chennai and reached Chennai around 3 PM back to my home. Bliss!
Reminiscing back, this trip was another great experience of Abundance and how this abundance has helped me to find my own self. All these 5 days along, I was just being me, no care about what others think, what about how I’m perceived, no nothing at all. I felt truly liberated from that clutches, all the mental obstacles and emotional dependencies. This trip uniquely identified that personality within me and brought it back to forefront. All through these 5 days, Only I was in control of Myself. Whatever would have happened was solely my responsibility. There were many mistakes, hardships, wonders, ecstasy, peaceful times, etc,. Whatever the emotions or repercussions resulted from this wanderlust, I am the reason. This is Liberation and at the same time a great responsibility. Self Love and following your heart does give you that Liberation and a sense of responsibility.
Responsibility of owning up myself completely, responsibility of taking care myself all alone and the liberation of being happy with my own self and the Abundance! A way to an Inimitable Life!
Wander.. Seek.. Wonder.. Hope.. Love!
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Alone. Loneliness! You feel far away from the people, Physically and Emotionally. We feel as if there’s a wall between you and others. Gradually we build that in our head and we envelope our-self into it. We start to fear it.
With the current lifestyle which we’re accustomed to, results in the case where people live in islands of thoughts and mostly pushed into lonely state. To carry on a so called better livelihood mainly for financial purpose, we leave our bonding and move to a different place both physically and psychologically. This may bring up both positive and negative effects. We may need to be careful in choosing the right shade of duality.
Do we make an Angel or a devil out of this? A choice, an important choice and our way of perception towards it would forecast our life in the coming years.
We fear loneliness, we reject it and we cling onto something or someone to escape this loneliness. When something births out of this fear, it feels superficial. It’s never an organic process as per se. Even in a relationship, take away the fear of loneliness and sex, then discover if it’s really Love. Most relationships which rise based on this fear of loneliness becomes fragile after a time. We subject ourselves, allow the other person to take control, lower our self esteem and expectations. Self pity comes into picture. Finally we feel lost, we feel victimized, we hurt ourselves and others. Eventually we join the crowd, lose our authentic self and in this process we fail to reach our own pristine essence.
That’s the prime take away when we start to embrace that loneliness. All the life we were so busy interacting with others and having a comfort zone, suddenly we’ll be introduced to our own self. Embracing our self would now become easier and in turn we seek within ourselves. We have the Abundance always present around us. We would start to acknowledge and appreciate the abundance. Self Love comes into picture. You prove yourself to yourself and not others. Which makes it more compelling. We start to appreciate it and down the road, the appreciation comes back to us. We identify our talents, skills and our artistic nature. We would be surprised by our-self and the person whom we’re becoming. We got to take all the decisions by ourself and there’s always a learning curve. We fall, we rise by ourself. We bring out an Angel from within.
Now the choice is Ours. What we bring out from the Loneliness? An Angel or a Devil.
The world makes You think you’re weak. You’re alone. You’re Unrequited. You live in a Bubble. Expects You to smother down, to relax a bit, to take it easy, to vaporise your sensitivity and sensibilities.
Do we really need to? Our Sensitivity is inflammable and it burns with such passion and desire. It May not be a smooth ride, there will be a lot of bumps, unrequited desires, pushed into loneliness, pointing faults for being sensitive.
Turn into Abundance. It fuels your burning sensitivity more. You make the world a little bit kinder place, a little more compassionate by your act. You’ve the gift to understand and connect to other’s feelings. When most people shy away from understanding their own self and bow out to their ego, You sensitise it, accept it and grow more strong out of it.
Allow! Allow Yourself to be You!
You’re being a person who is Unflinching, Unabashed about your life, love and living.
Every minute details matters. It’s the same with Universe. However it may be huge and vast, every single cell of living and non living beings creates this humongous Universe. So are You. You encapsulate an Universe within You and the gift is that You realise and feel it. We are in itself an Universe of our Own. And that’s why we’re Highly Sensitive People.
The cosmos is within us. We are made of star-stuff. We are a way for the universe to know itself.
While we fall, what happens when we feel deep and it’s more like a free fall? Imagine a leap and fall to death. You visualize yourself dying. Visualizing the pain. Going through the desperation. Yet we still want to fall.
Something stops You. Sometimes from your inner soul and most times an external force. But does that even matter? You’ve already gone through that process. Even at that minuscule time-frame, your mind went through all your closed ones and their reactions. You’ve thought about all the possibilities and repercussions.
Then We gradually raise. Now what matters? Literally Everything. You’re filled with gratitude and abundance. Even a crow shitting on You. You feel it and reminds that you’re alive. You’re grateful for that. At this point you’ve attained the appreciation of near existence. You Breathe and exist in the Abundance. You’re never afraid of your inner soul anymore. You’re just exonerated by Yourself. You feel free. You become Authentic to your Own Soul! You’ve Become completely You. Your Individuality shines bright. Now you’re no more a half to be compensated by a better person. You’re a complete person and You’re the best version of Yourself. You’ve Healed.